Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Randomize
