I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
I accidentally had phone sex last night
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
Randomize
