why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Randomize
