Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
Randomize
