Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Randomize
