I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
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