Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
Randomize
