Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
Randomize
