He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
