i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
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