I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Randomize
