He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
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