i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
