can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Come see our sink grown plant.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Randomize
