so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
It's like God shit irony all over that family
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
Randomize
