Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
What happened to fro yo and sex?
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
