No stitches, just platelets and will power
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Randomize
