if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Randomize
