i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
Randomize
