I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
