Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
They took my balls.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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