nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
