dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
Randomize
