Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
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