Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Randomize
