Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
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