my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Randomize
