just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
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