Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize
