WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
Randomize
