I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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