I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
