Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize
