I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
