got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
Randomize
