my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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