it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
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