I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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