upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Goodbye hot boy in my geo class...goodbye my lover, goodbye my friend. you have been the one, you have been the reason I came to claassss
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Randomize
