My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
