I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
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