he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
Randomize
