I feel great
I just peed on a car
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
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