she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
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