I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
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