Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
