then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
