Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
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