I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
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