If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
This baby is an asshole
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
